Caylin | 20 | Kansas | Weird | Idk


Pep talk 4 my sista

You know what’s really awesome? The fact that cheese-danish-moment, who is my sister, worked her ass off her senior year of high school, got herself into the school she was striving for, got herself a job up there, and is doing super well.


I know you’re overwhelmed now, Jay, but you’re doing alright. Stay focused on what you’re there for, and don’t let any obstacles, including money, keep you from doing what you want.

You come from a family that lives paycheck to paycheck, and can live a week off of Raman noodles and stale cereal. You know money stress; you’ve lived with it your whole life. So don’t let it scare you.

My sister’s phone isn’t working too well right now, so I’m writing my pep talk here.

I was walking into the movie theater today, some girl was sitting in her car with a friend/boyfriend/whoever screaming that he was touching her, to call the cops, and she was using a whistle. When I looked, they both were hunched down in the seats, and she was laughing.

So joking about sexual abuse isn’t funny, and I’m so pissed at myself because it wasn’t until later that I thought about walking over to her car, getting her tag number, and calling it in as sexual abuse to show her that it’s not a joke. I wish I had called the police. Ugh.

Guardians of the Galaxy was good, tho. So glad I finally saw it.

I listen to the same music that I did in middle school. You still find me constantly changing my hair, or piercing something. I have always said I was going to quit wearing my band t-shirts, skinny jeans, and quit layering my clothes, but I still wear all of it; even when the weather is warm. Just like I always have.

I wear a little more make up, I am a lot more laid back, and I’m constantly worrying about money. I quit caring about other’s opinions, and I started focusing more on myself. I’m a hell of a lot less negative than I’ve ever been, and I just try to focus on results.

I haven’t changed, I’ve grown up; but most importantly, I’m content with life and everything it throws at me.

I have no idea what in the world I am going to do about school next semester.

I might move in with my grandma in Colorado, downside: away from my family.

I could move to el dorado and go to butler, downside: no roommate.

I could stay at my brother’s and go to Butler in Andover, downside: living with my brother is too much for me.

I could just move back home and go to Cowley, downside: I’d be at home.

I’d like to go back to Butler, but I’d also prefer to move out to el dorado if I did that, and there is not one person, that I can think of, that’d be willing to move out there with me.

Decisions.

I know I’ll be fine once I adjust, but it’s the adjusting part that’s taking longer than what I’d like.

August 28, 2014

I think I’ve decided to follow through with moving out to El Dorado for this next semester. I started applying for jobs out there, and in Augusta today. So, as long as I can get a job that pays me more than what I make now, I think I’ll be able to finally be out on my own, and back in school. 

I am too excited for this.

August 10, 2014

It’s 3:45 am. I got off of work at three. every single bone in my body aches. Running around for ten hours on five hours of sleep was the last thing that my body wanted to do today. 

I’ve been really bummed out the last few days, and I don’t really know why. Maybe it’s just work. I have only had really long, and really late shifts lately. The money is good and all, but everyone is hanging out while I’m dealing with drunk people and getting hit on. My friend who just moved out of town was in town tonight, and I couldn’t see her. Since Rylee moved out of Wichita, we see quite a bit less of each other. Serving sometimes really sucks. Everyone hangs out on the weekends, you’re stuck in a restaurant.

I guess I could look for another that is consistent in hours, doesn’t kill my body, and gives me my weekends off, but I know that it’s going to be nearly impossible to find a job that pays as well as serving. 

I know I’m complaining. The lack of sleep and lack of social interaction with people that I care about is starting to get to me, I think.

Or maybe it’s because I’m hungry.

The answer is all of the above. 

August 7, 2014

I would kill to be sitting in my parent’s basement, watching Coraline and Fantastic Mr. Fox, eating chinese food, and for the weather to be cold. 

I’ve saved three drafts tonight; partially because I feel like I should right a text post since I haven’t posted one in a while, but I’m also having a tough time writing one because I don’t have much to talk about. Life has been busy. Lots of working. Lots of sleeping. Lots of consuming food I regret eating immediately after. I guess I’m doing alright.

I saw a homeless guy while working today. He came up to the patio and stole food off of a guest’s plate. My manager called the cops. He said, “having homeless people hanging out around the restaurant scares people away.” I don’t know why it irritated me so much. He’s homeless. If he’s going to steal food, then act scared and runaway immediately after, he’s hungry. Give him food. It pisses me off how homeless are dehumanized in situations like that.

My car has been broken for the past month. It’s finally fixed, but because my last job sharply went downhill, and I lost a lot of money, I’m slowly working on getting new insurance on my car. And hopefully soon, new tires.

Sometimes I wish I could get things handed to me. Sometimes I wish I was naturally book smart and swim my way through school. Sometimes I wish I was born in an upper class family so money was never a problem. But, here I am. I grew up in a household that lived paycheck to paycheck. I learned how to become financially independent my senior year of high school. And in this past year, I’ve had my ass handed to me over and over and over again. I’m doing okay, though. Life has been wild. And I’ve been tackling it the best that I can. I don’t really give a shit about what anyone has said about me. Because, no one takes a second to see where you started, and see how much you’ve grown to where you’re at now.

Life may not be exactly where I’d like it to be, but life is good, and I’m learning to enjoy it.

None of these paragraphs are related to the next. Sorry this jumps around.

This is something that bothers me. Something super disgusting that bothers me. Like, if you aren’t interested in poop, I advice you to read no further.

I SERIOUSLY HATE IT WHEN SOMEONE POOPS, LEAVES MARKS, AND DOESNT TAKE THE TIME TO CLEAN IT UP OUT OF THE TOILET BOWL.

Now, I know public bathrooms are different, but at a private home? Come on. There’s people who live and share this bathroom. Waking up and seeing poop streaks in the toilet ain’t what I’m about.

Ya dig?

I hate that I constantly have to search for what could potentially be a bad situation every time I put my car into park.

I hate getting yelled at, whistled at, and even have disgusting, scummy middle aged men come up to my fucking car window trying to get my attention.

I have never been so fucking disrespected, and offended. I have never felt so vulnerable and so damn helpless.

Like why should I have to completely avoid the gas station by my house? I can’t even put $10 worth of gas into my car.

I do not ever want to see some guy do that to a girl whose young enough to be their daughter.

Growing up being female is so dangerous, and so scary.

One of these days, it’s going to be some scummy piece of shit that I’m going to flip out on. Whether it be the millionaire coming into my work place trying to flirt with his waitress while he’s out away from his family, or the guy strung out on meth at the gas station; I am going to flip the fuck out.

I am not eye candy. I am not a toy. I am not some pet. I am a nineteen year old fucking girl who wants to be left alone.

I have had enough of being disrespected by grown ass men.

Serving is sometimes really cool, when I make $200 in one night. On a Sunday. Making $350 in two nights. Saturday and Sunday.

😎

Friday, April 4th, 2014

I haven’t made a proper text post in a while. That’s okay. I’ve been busy. Life is busy. Growing up is busy. And gay.

I’ve been working an average of 45 hours a week serving. In the two months I’ve been at this bar and grill, I have more responsibility than a lot of the girls that have been there since the bar has opened in October.

I went from working as a host at Olive Garden, literally only pulling in about $500 on average a month, and getting by. Now, I’m pulling in over double that in a month, and I want more. I want more money.

I think maybe it might be because I was raised in a household where we always struggled. Now, I am able to pay car insurance, rent, phone bill, and any other expenses thrown my way. I truly just want to be successful. I may not be in school, but that’s not going anywhere, and not a priority to me right now. I just want money. I’ve never wanted it as bad as when I started serving. I’m getting a second job; something hourly. I’m thinking, if I work mornings-afternoons at wherever, I can work evenings at the bar, and hopefully pull in enough money to be 100% capable of moving out into an apartment comfortably.

Here’s my financial situation, and my thoughts on it. Sorry if I offended you.

Rylee comes home from his two week long trip with Patrick, and I couldn’t be more excited. I’m really excited to start focusing on our relationship, and making it the best it can be.

Life is good. I am happy. I am going to write more often.

People are intimidated by two things: happiness and success.

I’m happy, but I am always climbing for more success. Life is good.

I scare myself.

I scare myself because I feel myself slowly changing. My interests, my lifestyle, my focus, my perspective, how I perceive myself, e v e r y t h i n g. Since I’ve graduated, I have lost about 10-15 pounds, I wear more makeup, I just recently had the urge to start tanning to get some color on my skin, I work full time, I went through a break up, I dropped out of school, I have become financially stable, and most of all, I genuinely feel independent.

This all scares me to death. This is growing up, right? Everyone is changing. Everyone is growing up with me. That scares me.

I have learned that I’m not really emotionally invested into anything. I work to have money in the bank. My whole life, I’ve lived in a house where we lived paycheck to paycheck, and sometimes the only thing in the house was instant rice and milk. Now? I actually have a savings. I can afford to do things. I don’t struggle anymore. But, I work everyday of my life. Very little sleep. Not enough time focusing on relationships.

To be honest, I don’t really know who the hell I am anymore. It scares me, so I ignore it. I ignore all of these changes that are occurring. I don’t want to know who I am. I don’t want to spend time trying to figure myself out. Eventually, it’s all going to fall into place. One day I’m going to wake up, and have everything sorted. Just kidding. That doesn’t happen for anyone.

I am numb. I truly am a shell of my high school self. I thought I had changed then, but nothing compares to how I am now.

I’m not saying that all of these changes are bad, many of them are good, it’s just scary. Everything is happening at once, and my feet are barely keeping up with this fast pace.

I’m Caylin. That’s about all there is to know about me, for now.