It’s hard for me to respond to, “I miss you” from people from high school. Apart of it is because my first thought is, “well why couldn’t you just text me or call me and ask to hang out?” But then I realize how many people I’ve grown distant with and haven’t tried contacting because of me working so much. When I do get a day off, I sleep and see Rylee. Everyone is super involved in their own responsibilities, just like me. And ya know? It sucks.
Growing up doesn’t suck, but it’s definitely bittersweet.
I worked 32 hours in two days. I made more money than I know what to do with in one weekend. But damn, I like working. I like my job. I like not being money stressed anymore. I like how life is going.
I’m hoping to start eating healthier. I want to try and get all of my boxed food and soda that I have left in my cabinets gone so I can start purchasing only healthy stuff. I want to go get a gym membership and new running shoes so I can drop some weight, then gain it all back in muscle.
These are my goals.
I haven’t posted anything in a while, and I think now would be a good time.
Life has been a mess. My car has died two times in three days, I have barely been sleeping, barely been eating. Not because I have been choosing this or anything, I’ve just been working constantly. Last week, I worked six days and four doubles.
My managers have been really impressed with me. I wish I could express how damn strict the place I work for is, because they are. I mean, a girl was fired because she didn’t score well when a secret shopper came in. And by well, she got an 89, when she needed a 90 to pass. Anyways, I’m getting trained to handle all of our server’s money, as well as the bar’s money. I don’t know. It’s really exciting. I’ve been there for a month and a half, work more than a lot of servers, have high sales, and I’m gaining trust with my coworkers. It’s a satisfying feeling.
Outside of work, life has been hectic. BUT, things are on the path of being super good. I finally was put on anti-depressants. I’m going to the doctor next wednesday to find a therapist. I know, these things are things that a lot of teenagers are like, “wow, you’re like 19. what in your life is possibly stressing you out to the point to where you need to be on depressants?” There’s a lot going on. I want to be more optimistic. I want to be good to myself. I’m going to do everything in my power to get better. For me. For everyone around me. Things are going to be good. I can feel it. I don’t know how things are going to turn out, but they will be better than what they’ve been.
It’s time to make things right, ya feel me?
It has been such a good day. Work is stressful, but I hate not having work. I still have so much to learn. I probably shouldn’t have chosen a bar as my first serving job where I have food and a shit ton of alcohol to memorize, but it’s fun. I’ve made good friends at work. Life is good. I am happy.
I forgot how much I enjoyed writing. It’s totally worth an ache in the wrist. I am so content right now.
No pants, an electric blanket, and my favorite person curled up beside me? I am so very content.
Sorry about my rant, it’s just annoying always hearing people talk about pieces of my life that they are uneducated of. It’s besides the point.
I’ve had a good day. It was nice catching up with Rose. I missed her so much. I came home and got a sad and angry for reasons that I just created on my head, but talking on the phone with Rylee helped a lot.
I love the people in my life. I am so happy with the potential of things right now. I just need to keep my head up and keep going.
Nobody else matters. Let them talk. I know who I am, and I know what I want. I might get off track, and I might need a little boost, but at the end of the night, the only person I can hear is me.
I might lose sight of things, but I’m very lucky. I have the best people close to me, and I’m on my way to finally getting off of the ground.
So, for all of you who doubted me, made rumors about me always smoking “all the time,” talked about how I’m always upset in disgust or distaste, or how Rylee and I are bad for each other, I can promise you that you do not know a damn thing about what’s coming out of your mouth. You weren’t there when I needed someone there, you watched from the sidelines and gossiped. Now, watch me become even more of a person that you all aren’t.
I am who I am. I am a person that I’m proud of. I am on my way. Leave me alone. Keep my name away from your mouths.
I hate today. I hate everyone. I hate the concept of trust. I hate who I am. I hate that nothing is right. I want to fall off the planet.
College actually just showed me that EVERYONE IS FUCKING CONNECTED AND HANGING OUT AND HOW ARE ALL OF YOU PEOPLE WHO ARE ON WEIRD ENDS OF MY LIFE MEETING EACH OTHER? AND WHY AM I JUST WATCHING?
Shitty things happen to me everyday, and continue to happen.
Can I go back to May? Can I change everything from May? Can I not be jealous and paranoid? Can I not be selfish?
Can I not get into that car accident? Can that break up never happen? Can I just be fucking happy for once?
This break up has completely changed how I view things and feel towards life. I feel like I’m never going to bounce back from it.
I have lost so much weight. I never want to eat. I quit going to school. I don’t sleep. My hair falls out. I found gray in my roots. I don’t have money. I’m stressed out. And all I want is him.
I don’t like who I am. I don’t like the person I’m turning into. This is not who I want to be.
I don’t like getting out of bed. I don’t like getting onto social media.
I would kill to have one more chance. I would kill to be happy again.
I’m never going to date again. Break ups are awful. Not a risk I’m willing to take anymore.