I wish I never had that dream last night.

I am never going to be satisfied with life. If I want something, I’m going to have it. Once I have it, I’m going to want something more. I hate settling; probably because that’s all I feel like I’m ever doing. To be brutally honest, this is where my immature, spoiled side comes out. I wish I was easy to please. I wish I didn’t have a short temper. I wish I wasn’t impatient. All great character traits that I was blessed to have, I guess.

Text post number two of the night.

Today was exhausting. I’m not sure what it is about me dreaming at night, but my dreams always play a huge role in how I’m feeling the following morning, day. I was having some terribly weird dreams last night leaving me in an awful mood.

I cried a lot, I got mad unbelievably easy, and I said things I didn’t mean. The moment I was home and away from people, I just fell asleep. No one was going to gain from my nasty mood including myself.

I went and hung out with Savanna for a few hours. It was really nice catching up with her. Talking with her and venting to her about how awful my day was made me realize that a lot of the events that occurred could have been resolved when they happened. I’m just too damn stubborn sometimes to get myself to realize that let alone apologize. It was a good evening and a good talk I had with her.

After coming home from visiting with savanna, I picked up my room and went to Dillon’s with Rylee. Ravioli, Pringles, Mac and cheez, cookies, and soda were the items purchased because I’m lazy therefore I bought things that needed no effort to prep. Yeah!

The late night hang out with Rylee has been wonderful. That great face of his is sleeping next to me dreading getting up at an early time for work tomorrow. But, he’ll be just fine. :)

We ache for the past because the past is what’s familiar. We find ourselves falling back into our old selves because that’s who we know.

I find myself falling back into my old self more often than what I’d like. I ache for the past because feeling this run down reminds me of it.

I am in this ongoing battle with myself. I am forever dealing with who I am and who I want to be.

I used to enjoy being alone, but now being alone is the last thing I need. I stay up late dwelling on things that I shouldn’t, I find myself getting mad at things just so I can be mad, I tell myself not to do things yet I’ll do them anyways because it’s what I want. With summer here, making time with friends who all have significant others and have jobs is getting harder and harder. It only makes me feel more antsy about when this fall finally arrives. I am alone more often than what I’d like.

It’s after 5:30 in the morning and I am wide awake. I take that back, I can’t sleep. My eyes are heavy but my thoughts are restless. What am I thinking about?

Well, I’m about to go into my work here in about five or so hours and quit my job. As much as I love the people there, I have to have some self-respect. I’m nearly 19 years old. I need a job that isn’t, as Rylee has put it multiple times, “ran by four year olds.” I never know when I’m working, I hate how unprofessional the place is, and I hate how much everyone gets away with. My work place has been one of the most corrupted places I’ve ever had to deal with. Especially with it being nothing but Dairy Queen. I’m going out a shitty way, but my level of not caring is at an all time high with that place. I hate the mistreatment there. At least I can say I’ve made a few great friends out of the place.

Another thing that I’m thinking is, what next? Well, after quitting, it’s time to look for a new job. I’m going to spend all of tomorrow driving on every main street in Wichita looking for places and grabbing applications. Hopefully I can get as lucky as Rylee and get hired on somewhere within the first week of looking.

Another thought, I really dislike who I am sometimes. I need to relax on certain subjects and know that I have absolutely nothing to worry about. For me thinking I’m better than a lot of people, it’s those same people that I watch out for.

Last thought before I attempt to get a couple hours of sleep. I have the best boyfriend ever. He means the world to me. He’s great and spectacular has been the only person helping me get through home stuff. I’m so thankful to have him apart of my life.

Remember when I had something good and threw it out because I always feel the need to be on the lookout for something better? Yeah, I do that with everyone. With everything. It’s embarrassing how much I dislike myself sometimes. Tonight is one of those nights.

I have done nothing but watch videos in my classes this last week. Why am I at school if all I am doing is watching videos? If the next two weeks consists of that, I’m probably going to explode.

The play has pissed me off way more than it should. There’s basically no reason for me being there since Miller has taken over props and there’s only two things on the stage that needs moved. I sit back stage and sleep most of the time. All of it has been unorganized and I don’t have the time nor patience to waste on something I’m insignificant in.

My friends aren’t actually my friends. No one calls me. No one talks to me. I’m lucky if I get a glance. Will I get told it confronted about what I’ve “done” or what’s going? LOL no of course not. We’re dealing with girls who always think they’re in the right and hold grudges for the heck of it. So fuck all of them. Two weeks left of school? Whatever. Thanks for making senior year awesome, pals.

Money is tight. Worse than normal. So, instead of me working, I’ll be sitting backstage doing absolutely nothing. I don’t even want to show up. There is no point. I don’t care about any of it or anyone. I want out of this damn school. All of it would be more tolerable if I had legitimate friends, but I don’t. They all don’t give a shit about me. They’ve shown that loud and clear.

It sucks that I have to remind myself that I’m graduating in two weeks so I don’t have to deal with this anymore. This shouldn’t be an out, but no matter what i do, it doesn’t change anything.

I’m ready to move out. Mom doesn’t care if I’m having a good or bad day. I’ll be lucky if I get a hello from her. Dad is too drunk to know what’s going on, if he’s out of the house doing God knows what, or passed out.

I’m alone all of the time.

People are shit and school is a waste of my time. I don’t want to go to that damn play tonight.

I don’t want anyone talking to me today. Apart of it is because every conversation I’ve had is forced, or it’s someone bitching to me about something that does not pertain to me. It probably doesn’t help that my friends who have considered me close are all of a sudden giving me the cold shoulder. The last time I asked about it, I got fake smiles and was told that everything was fine. I’d be understanding if it was with a real reason as to why I was getting treated like this.I tell myself that I don’t care, but I do. It really irritates me. I just have to keep in mind that I graduate in less than a month and none if this will matter anymore.

Shitty friends are shitty.

I think I’m going to be done for the rest of the year. I don’t want to worry about things anymore.

But in all reality, I hate myself and how I deal with shit.

Nothing is ever set in stone. You can have plans, but they’ll always change. Anytime I make plans with anything, I’m always sure to have a back up plan. When you’re expecting your plans to change, it’s not that big of a deal when they do.

Speaking of change and making room for change, I went from getting prepared to move up to Lawrence with Autumn and going to Johnson to staying at home and going to Butler. Although I’m super disappointed that Lawrence didn’t work out, it will be nice having a little extra money in the bank and knowing that I won’t have to be working all of the time.

My friends are really crappy, like the ones that I’ve considered “close” to me this year. Besides Rylee and Lizzy, no one texts me, no one calls me, everyone makes plans without me. They all are fine to your face, but when you turn around you hear all of these really crappy things. Yes, I’m busy. I work pretty often right now and spend most of my free time trying to catch up on sleep, but I wouldn’t shoot down someone to hang out if I’m not working. My friends aren’t friends. They don’t actually care about me. None of this is going to matter in a month, but in the mean time, it really sucks. I’m glad that I have Rylee and Lizzy. They keep my feet on the ground.

You know what sucks? Long distant relationships. I’ve done it for a school year now and it’s awful. It’s impressive that Autumn and Nathan have been doing this for nearly three years if not three years now. Really, really impressive. I’m always missing Rylee. Even when I’m with him I’m missing him because I know I’ll only be with him for a couple of days. It’s terrible constantly being away from the person who means the most to you. I have to keep reminding myself that summer is near and that soon it will go back to me seeing him nearly everyday. 

Everything is crazy and hectic right now. I expected this. It’s April. April is always like this. I’ve always dislike April. Everything always works out, though. Everything will be fine.

It’s one of those things where I want to be mad, but I can’t. Instead, I’m mad that me being mad isn’t justified. That’s what happens when I’m tired. But anymore, I’m always tired. I have a million and one things to do and be at, and I never have time to sit and have a conversation with anyone. Do you know the last time I hung out with someone besides Rylee? It has been months. I haven’t seen Rylee in two weeks. Why have I not made time to go and hang out with someone? Because, I don’t have time. I don’t have time for anything or anyone. I stay up late to stress out to wake up in the mornings flustered to be busy all day to come home and repeat. 

For one, Perkins is the main teacher who organizes graduation. She knows how hectic it gets at the end of the year. why in the hell are we reading Jane Eyre at the speed we’re reading? No, I don’t have time to read this book. I like it, I just don’t have time to read it. If it wasn’t for SparkNotes, I’d be screwed. 

Esprit is making me mad. Instead of getting our really challenging Italian contest music at the beginning of the semester when most schools are working on contest music, Jansen waits until about two weeks before. No one is really working to work together because everyone in that room think that they’re right which is frustrating. I’m ready for Saturday to be over with so we can get in, embarrass ourselves, and get out. Hopefully we can pull it together, but it’s not looking that way.

I should have not done the play. I don’t have time for it. I don’t care about it. It is not where it should be on my priority list. I need to take time off of work, but I won’t. Not right now. 

I hate being busy.

It’s easier for me to turn off my thoughts and focus on only one thing for a while than dwell on what’s actually eating at me. Stress is what I’m about this year, I guess.

I hate goodbyes. I’ve never been good with them. I do the best that I can to try and make the goodbye come later. I don’t like the feeling of unknown that fills my head after saying goodbye. What comes next? What are they thinking? When will I see them again? Are they thinking of me? Goodbyes have always something I dislike.

I hate how quiet I am. There’s a million things that go on and are personal to me that I don’t say or speak up about. I don’t like confrontation. I avoid my problems and look the other way. Every once in a while, when I get stressed, I rant about every single thing that I’ve held inside of me. I don’t like how quiet I am.

I hate how judgmental others are. I don’t care if you’re a slut, do hard drugs, listen to shitty music, or have a kid. Someone’s interests or past time should not define their personality and who they are. How many of our high school classmates so we see after graduating? Few. Get over your biased opinions and get to know each other while you have it. Opinions are stupid. I wasn’t going to put this one in, but one of the most pretentious kid I know confronted me on something last week and it really irritated me.

I hate the way my house smells in the spring. It has this weird smell that is really nostalgic. When I came home from Lawrence tonight, my house had that smell. I wasn’t expecting it at all. It made me feel weird. I’m not a fan if April. Not one dang bit.

Spring Break, that is.

It’s just a sliver of summer that goes by way too fast and you try doing as much as you possibly can into that one week.

My spring break was actually pretty great, despite having to work only a little/lot, It was one worth remembering.

Right now it is the last Saturday of this break and I am in a hotel room in Tulsa Oklahoma while Rylee is falling asleep next to me if he hasn’t already. Have I ever stated how absolutely wonderful he is? Because Rylee is nothing less of wonderful.