Shitty things happen to me everyday, and continue to happen.
Can I go back to May? Can I change everything from May? Can I not be jealous and paranoid? Can I not be selfish?
Can I not get into that car accident? Can that break up never happen? Can I just be fucking happy for once?
This break up has completely changed how I view things and feel towards life. I feel like I’m never going to bounce back from it.
I have lost so much weight. I never want to eat. I quit going to school. I don’t sleep. My hair falls out. I found gray in my roots. I don’t have money. I’m stressed out. And all I want is him.
I don’t like who I am. I don’t like the person I’m turning into. This is not who I want to be.
I don’t like getting out of bed. I don’t like getting onto social media.
I would kill to have one more chance. I would kill to be happy again.
I’m sorry I’ve been so shitty lately. I’ve been trying really hard not to, I’m just not good at this. :/
I feel worthless.
I’ve been used over and over, and I know it, but I’m too much of a fool to make it stop. I want to be happy. I just want to stop feeling miserable. I want someone to take all of this away from me.
I don’t know how in the hell I’m still going. There’s not an hour that goes by without me wishing I were dead. I feel so broken, so worthless. I don’t give a fuck about anything anymore. There’s no point. I am miserable. I just want to go back and make this right, but I fucked that up. The best thing that I’ve ever had, I fucked up. Scum is what I am.
If I ever were to build a house, my bathroom is where I would spend most of my money. Heated bathtub with jets, heated floors, it’s own thermostat, and a stereo system. Then, I’d want my washer and dryer in between my room and bathroom so I can throw my towel in the dryer and when I got out of the shower, it’d be nice and warm.
That would be the life.
So I got out of the shower and I didn’t really feel like getting dressed, THEN THERE WAS A KNOCK ON THE FRONT DOOR. So I had to maneuver my way to bedroom so I could put on clothes without whoever seeing me through the windows on the door. I got some clothes on, and it was the fedex guy. There’s a slight possibility the fedex guy saw me naked. I dont think he did but dangit
These are things that are problems.
My phone that was once broken is now fixed again and with a new case to not let anything else bad happen to it, my relationship that was no longer intact is now back together and hopefully on a better road than what it was before, my problem of not having a car and struggling with always finding a ride is almost resolved being that my student loans are in the bank and now all that I have to do is purchase it, and my laptop that is still broken will soon be fixed.
Everything is coming back together and I’m so thankful. Now, I just need to make time for school rather than staying up late the night before.
I’m the most paranoid, anxiety-filled person walking this planet. Everything freaks me out and bothers me; from relationships to me going to the grocery store by myself. I assume the worst out of people and that’s not always what I should be doing. I’m just a huge ball of sobs. I’m crying 75% of the time I’m by myself. I feel useless, worthless, and disposable. If I could go one day where my brain wasn’t overdramatizing every single little thing that goes through it, that’d be so wonderful. I have no self-esteem anymore. I always try to hide the fact that I have this huge problem with paranoia and anxiety by pretending that I’m okay, nothing’s wrong, and every opinion that I have is fairly mutual; but I’m just freaking out inside my head all of the time.
I don’t know, I feel pretty lost. I feel like I’m missing something and I don’t know what or how to get it back. I’m not even sure that where I’m at is where I should be. There’s just too many elements that are at play in my life right now. All I want to do is look and see if I can get back on track, but I don’t have time. I just want a couple days off to clear my head and figure out what’s wrong with me.
I want everything to work out. I want my student loans to come in, I want more hours at work, I want a car, I want to be better than what I’ve been.
I’ve never been one to be bitter and call myself names, but I have been lately. It’s making me sick.
I always feel sick to my stomach. I’m always mad. I’m always searching for reasons to be mad. I’m always behind in whatever I’m doing.
I suck.Also fuck people.
I’m having a really rough time.The worst part is that I was doing so well before the wreck.
Sometimes I get upset. You can see me yell, say things I don’t really mean, and, at times, be pretty selfish. You’re right, though; I get lost in the little things.
I get overwhelmed with things going on at home. The drinking, the noise, the stress, the short of money, the lack of support and the lack of communication.
I get overwhelmed with balancing school, work, and friends. I never know what I should make a top priority since they’re all vital for me being content. I seem to forget which one i need to focus more on with so much going on.
I may get upset with you at times; whether it be something you did or something I did. I’ll probably get engrossed in whatever it is and be a bottled up mess for a couple of days. You are the one thing that’s stable, and fighting or arguing with you is the absolute worst because of that.
Even when fighting, I just want to see you. I want to see you always. You make me happy and nothing short of that.
I know I don’t tell you enough how wonderful you are, how cute you look, how much I enjoy being with you, and how much you mean to me, but you are my world.